Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize