i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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