if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
