so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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