Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
