i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
