I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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