I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
