Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
