Michael Bay diarrhea
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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