Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
