I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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