your parents love me but you hate me
did you get engaged???
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
