the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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