wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
