I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
