i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it was like eating out sand paper
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
