Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
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I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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