I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom