i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
