I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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