My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
