My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me