i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!