Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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