One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
