Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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