a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
