We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize