I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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