I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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