My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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