Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
