After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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