Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
