The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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