Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
