My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
