oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
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The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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