How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
