Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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