those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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