i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
