So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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