Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
