that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
