i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sext me about skeletons
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
