I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
