I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I still have a little drunk in my system
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
