I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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