Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
