He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
