I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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