You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
tell me about the eggs
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
