Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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