a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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