question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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