just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
